


Broken beyond repair

by FakeLaughter



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bad morale, Dark, Dead Inside, Depression, Don't Try This At Home, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other, Pain, Please don't kill yourself, Sad, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 06:33:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7256335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FakeLaughter/pseuds/FakeLaughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chat Noir's latest failed attempt at declaring his love to Ladybug opened Adrien's eyes to the truth about his mental state.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken beyond repair

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, just a warning. This is pretty dark. It's something I wrote a few months back and it was originally the reason I joined AYO in the first place, but I decided not to post it. Now I changed my mind. I strongly recommend that if you find you can relate to the story, seek consult.

Adrien stood on the roof, letting the wind caress his face. There were no tears to be dried, no crying to conceal. For the first time in years, his mind was crystal clear.

Today wasn't a bad day in particular. The battle went well, he got a few nice puns in. It was after the battle when things went south. Isn't the expression 'went south' funny, He thought, as he reviewed today's events. Does it insinuate going to America is bad, or something?

Anyway, it all started pretty casually, just as always, Chat Noir got on one knee, kissed ladybug's hand and winked at her. Like always, Ladybug brushed him off, and like always, Chat ignored her ignoring him and once again declared his undying love to her.  
"Look...chat..." Ladybug suddenly looked uncharacteristically upset. "You should stop pursuing me. I feel bad."  
"Why is that princess?"  
"There's a reason I don't want to be with you. And it's not because I don't like you. It's just that, I....I just...I'm in love with someone else."  
"...oh." Chat dropped his smile.

The moment you know there's no going back for you is the moment when you stop crying. Not because you aren't hurt, not because you aren't sad, but because there's simply no point in crying. Crying won't bring you relief. Crying won't make any difference. Tears won't matter, and sure, you would get some attention, but this attention won't make any difference either. The moment you stop crying, that is the moment you lose your feelings. That is the moment you lose yourself.  
And for Adrien, that was that moment.  
He wasn't devastated to hear Ladybug, the fucking LOVE OF HIS LIFE, was seeing someone else. He wasn't even remotely upset. Suddenly Adrien understood what people meant when they said they were dead inside.  
He was dead inside.

 

He's been three weeks off his meds. He didn't tell Natalie or his father he stopped taking them, and he had no intention to tell his therapist either. He hated that guy. He hated every therapist that took care of him ever since he was eight. He just HATED therapy. Until three weeks ago, when he stopped taking his meds. After a few days, he couldn't bring himself to hate the therapist either. He couldn't bring himself to feel anything. The only thing that kept him going was his love for Ladybug, and he was certain if she ever started going out with someone else, it would shatter him to a million pieces. He was sure this love was the only real emotion he had, he was convinced that his love was the one true feeling he had that was in no way connected to his medication, he was convinced that if there was anything he could still do, it was to give love.  
Turns out, he was wrong.

His father wanted him to see a therapist instead of allowing him to go to school. He ended up doing both, but he really enjoyed neither.  
Sure, he had 'fun' at school. Having friends, doing things, socialising, it was nice. Marinette was awesome, Niño was just wow, and sometimes it was even amusing to see Chloe. But everything he experienced, good or bad, left him cold and empty. Everything but Ladybug, he thought, until she didn't break his heart.

Why didn't she? He was in love with her. There was no denying it. It wasn't just physical attraction, it was something so much more. She wasn't just nice to him. She wasn't just mean to him. She was a real person. She didn't do just what he wanted her to do like his therapist, she didn't say just things that upset her like his father, she wasn't dependant on him like Chloe. She was her own person. A real live personality. Nothing like he ever witnessed before. She didn't try to impress him, she didn't force herself onto him or invited herself to his own world and she didn't try to manipulate him into hers. She just existed on the same earth.  
Just like him.  
She probably had the same emotional turmoil going on, he thought. She had problems, issues, secrets, hopes, dreams. She wasn't just another background character in the depressing life he was trapped in, she had her own story, her own narrative. And Adrian was SURE if there's ANYONE he could love, it was her.

So why didn't she break his heart?  
Why didn't he care as much as he wanted to? Why couldn't he even fake jealousy anymore, did he give up?

Is that it? Was he just weak? Was he just projecting his life's problems on this innocent girl and bailing out as soon as things got tough? Did he not have the power to stand up for himself?

And why didn't it bother him? If he really wants to improve himself, he should. If he really wanted to finally step up to his dad, he could, he could take charge of his life. He wanted to...he wanted to want this. But he just didn't.

He couldn't picture his mother's face. Not that he didn't remember her. He did. He loved his mother. He loved his father too. He loved his friends, he loved being in school, he loved being Chat Noir. But he didn't feel love. Not really. He just knew he needed to feel things, but he never did.

What really bothered him was this:  
This roof is about 50 meters tall, a drop that would definitely kill him, had he jumped.  
If he dies, people will be sad, and he didn't want them to be sad. If they didn't care about his death, he would have wasted his whole life.

But he couldn't bring himself to feel anything about any of these two options.

Why couldn't he feel things?

Why could he only know things, and do things. Was he just emotionally numb?

He stepped on the ledge, looking down, picturing the blood splattering on the ground if he jumped. It didn't upset him.

It was tiring.  
Thinking about it, life, death, emotion, it was exhausting. His mind was a prison he could never escape and he was tired. He thought about ending his life numerous times, but he never did anything about it, because...well...that would be a lot of work.  
Really? That's it, his reason not to end his life was laziness? He really was weak.

He should jump.

Right now.

End the pain, end the misery, just end it all.

But even if everything was over, even if he did finally escape his own mind, if he couldn't feel the relief of it...

What would be the point?

It's better to just keep on living. Just be Chat.

Eat. Flirt. Shoot. Repeat.

No point in death.

He should just do what he's told.

It wouldn't matter anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> ...hey guys, if you're battling with depression, it's fine.  
>  It's fine to be alone.  
> It's fine to rely on others.  
> It's fine to go through the motions  
> And it's fine to try and fight for a better life.  
> Depression isn't just a chronic illness.  
> Humans can't cure everything.  
> So just...  
> Don't be too hard on yourself, whatever you decide to do.


End file.
